Risky Business

291110552_6e830484f8_m.jpg 

When someone you love says something cruel, abuses the love you have for them, and cuts you out of their life, it can feel as if your heart shatters into a million pieces.

In one sense, love is always a crap shoot.  Every time we extend love to another, we risk.  We risk rejection.  We risk betrayal.  We risk Euphoria :)  However, there is one guarantee that comes with Love: It always exists somewhere in our lives.  We just may be looking in the wrong place for it.

One of my favorite Bible passages says this.  It’s 1 Corinthians 13, from the Message:

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all It’s mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.  If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
   Love doesn’t strut,
   Doesn’t have a swelled head,
   Doesn’t force itself on others,
   Isn’t always “me first,”
   Doesn’t fly off the handle,
   Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. 
  Love never dies.

Now, I know the Bible isn’t really popular with alot of people.  It’s been tampered with on so many levels, it’s almost impossible to know fact from fiction.  However, I still appreciate the wisdom that I find in it – just as I do with the wisdom I find in other texts.  Even beloved fairy tales like “The Little Mermaid”…

“We have not immortal souls, we shall never live again; but, like the green sea-weed, when once it has been cut off, we can never flourish more. Human beings, on the contrary, have a soul which lives forever, lives after the body has been turned to dust. It rises up through the clear, pure air beyond the glittering stars. As we rise out of the water, and behold all the land of the earth, so do they rise to unknown and glorious regions which we shall never see.”

Love never gives up…never looks back…and never ends.  How powerful that thought is to me today, as I consider this person that I love so much, and who has walked away from my life yet once again.  This is not the first time she’s left in a heated, dramatic huff.  The first time was when she was 15 years old.  The second, when she was 18.  And now, at 20, she’s doing it again.  Interestingly enough, she left about this time 2 years ago:  The month of October.  I’m sure there’s a key there for me, but I haven’t gotten to it yet.  One key I do have is this:  It’s not about ‘me’, no matter what she says.  Having a daughter with the sorts of emotional dis-ease that mine has, has been my greatest Teacher in lessons on Unconditional Love.  For that I am grateful, but I didn’t ‘attract’ her behavior.  And I certainly didn’t cause it – any more than I caused my father’s lung disease or my cousins cancer.

But I do have to deal with it, the best I know how.  And for me, that means loving her from a distance.  Keeping healthy boundaries and an open heart.  Forgiving her is now second nature.  But more importantly, I will not give up on her because I see her with the Eyes of Love.  The eyes that look for the best in her, and that don’t look back.

Dancing With The Light

207198784_e9803c9c62_m.jpg

“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor.

It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” – Wayne Dyer

 

When I go out in the mornings, the last part of my walk has me heading due East.  The walking trail is sprinkled with trees lining one side, and hilly residential backyards and empty lots on the other.  At certain hours in the day, those same trees provide shade over half the trail and provides some shelter from the hot California sun.  The sun is taking longer to come up now, and I know my early morning walks are soon to be packed away for the Winter.  But I love to observe the changing of  shadows and light that comes slowly over time. Spring transitions into Summer…Summer into Fall.  And now, Fall is ready to yield into Winter.

One morning not long ago, as I came around a particular bend on my way home, I was absolutely blinded by the 8:00 a.m. sun.  At that particular time and angle, it was hitting me full force in the face.  I kept walking, eyes almost completely closed and gazing downwards through my lashes.  I could only see about one to two steps in front of me at most, but since I’ve walked the trail so often, I just kept walking – feeling my way more than seeing it.  The path is familiar, and I could see just enough to know that I was heading in the right direction and wouldn’t go two-wheeling off into the rough dirt.  I ‘knew’ the trail was there, so I felt confident and at peace – even though my vision was almost completely obstructed.

As I walked, I began thinking about the interesting dynamic of having so much Light in front of me vs. having it behind me – like when I walk in the evenings.  What a difference that makes!  With the light behind me, the walk is easier, cooler and I can see clearly – at least, for a time.  A small shadow is cast in front of me, and as I walk, that shadow goes along….lengthening in front of me as the sun lowers in the sky.  The shadows around me begin to grow as well, closing in on me.  What initially began as an easy walk becomes a more speculative walk into shadowy darkness, as the sun sets behind me and I lose the light completely.

When I walk full face into the sun, however, the shadows are all behind me.  On this particular morning, I was enchanted with the fact that if I held my eyes almost closed, I could still just see the where I was going to step next.  And it so perfectly symbolized this spiritual journey that I’m walking.

I have a definite idea about where I want to go, and how I want to end up.  I also know that there are multitudes of paths that get ‘there’, and sometimes I speculate on which path to take that will continue to take me in the direction of the Light.  At times, all I know to do is to put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving.  Keep moving and believing that the next step will be revealed to me.  And the next.  And the next.   And that I won’t end up falling into a ditch or tangled up in the bushes. 

This particular morning, When the Light is very bright, my sight was so minimized that I was left depending on my other senses more.  I could feel when the power and the strength of The Sun was hitting me square on, so I could make minor adjustments to keep moving directly towards it.  Even with eyes closed, I knew which way to go because there was light breaking through my lids.   I could ‘see’ without seeing that I was going the right way.  It guided me with a light from within, behind my eyes. 

There were no shadows there.  It wasn’t the ‘dark’ blinding me, it was the Light. It’s brightness was prohibiting me from seeing more than just step or so at a time.  It was a walk of faith, born from desire to keep moving and to stay out of the shadows.  I felt some familiarity with the path, and yet I surrendered my need to see exactly every step I’m going to take.  I knew to keep walking towards the East.  Towards the Light.  Because that is where Home is waiting for me.

And I always get there – to exactly where I want to be – taking just one step at a time, enjoying the scenery along the way.

Body Talk

245699096_a8704cd975_m2.jpg

It’s been an interesting week.  Here it is Saturday and I’m just now beginning to see how so many of my experiences tie together.  I’m finally beginning to understand the next phase of the Inner Journey I’ve started a couple of months ago.  My body and my environment are speaking to me.

On Monday, I went to the doctor with pain in my left breast.  Intuitively I knew what was going on – and the answer – but since I hadn’t been to the doctor in a year, I decided to go and get checked up.  The tissue was all inflamed – no lumps, gratefully.  Just aggrevated by all the caffeine in my diet.  Fiber cystic tissue syndrome is pretty common, and I was diagnosed with it about 25 years ago.  In all this time I haven’t had much issue with it but lately, I’ve been sore. 

Breasts are an interesting body part, energetically.  They hover about the main area of the Heart chakra.  They provide nourishment to babies, and gratification for both partners when making love.  Breasts are ultimately ‘feminine’, and as a woman travels through the seasons of her life, her breasts travel with her.   Their tiny buddings herald a young girls’ ripening into womanhood.   We spend untold number of hours focused on them….buying just the right bra, fretting about their size (or lack of it)….wondering if we’re showing them off enough, or – in this day and age – too much.  And just as we’ve hit our stride as mature women, lifted higher with wisdom born of experience, our breasts decide to take a trip South. 

I realize now that my breasts were speaking to me.  The last several months have been a purging of sorts for me, on an emotional and spiritual level.  Lot’s of revisiting, letting go, and transcending.  And I’ve felt so good!  I’ve in so much peace and really feel connected with my life again.  And just as the inner chatter left, my body started talking.  It’s saying that it’s not enough to focus on what comes out of me as I evolve and ascend.   It’s also about what I take in.

I love that.  Whether it’s through food, media, sex or environment, “taking in” is ultimate Feminine energy – which, as I’ve mentioned before, seems to be the theme for my journey these days.  So what better spokesperson than my breasts to call attention to my need to detoxify and clean up my diet.  

It’s not a bad diet.  I eat alot of raw fruits and veggies, grains and legumes.  I eat low fat and low carb.  But I also loved coffee, the occasional cocktail, some chocolate, and some lean poultry or fish.  By most standards, it’s ‘healthy’ enough – but it’s not holistic enough.  It doesn’t adequately reflect my spiritual path and leaves me feeling somewhat hypocritical.  I’ve allowed myself to collect some flotsam and jetsom along the way – sort of like I had emotionally.

Tumel over at Thoughts and Things posted a video for the Bloggers Against Abuse campaign, and I just this morning made it over there to see it.  And it spoke to me as well, in a powerful way.  I hope you’ll take a visit, and a look.  I wasn’t able to view the whole thing in one sitting, but I intend to go back and try to finish it when I feel less convicted. 

So the ground has been weeded and cleared, and seeds of change have again been planted in my heart.  The message is clear:  It’s time to allow my inner life to be reflected even more in my outer choices.  And to allow my outer choices to support and inhance my inner journey, in a more loving and nonviolent way.

Mother’s Little Helpers

 

…..“Madonna of the Pomegranate”, Botticelli

First I saw his dogs – all three of them from the vertically challenged and mutated leg variety.    Then I saw him, walking in a bent over shuffle,  so intent on his business that he didn’t call his dogs back when they came leaping and yapping towards me.

When I crested the hill, saw him and realized what he was doing, I just had to smile to myself.  I had been sure I was the only one in the world that did that!  And yet there he was!  Much older than I, and with a thoroughness and skill born of experience, his motions were graceful and fluid.  He was my comrade in The Light:

A Worm Rescuer.

The rain had just stopped an hour before, so the sidewalk was covered with them – Earthworms, some of which were a good 6 inches long and as fat as pencils. In fact, this particular point in the trail must be the Orange Crush of the crawly world because even the slightest touch of dampness is enough to get the little beasties roaming and flopping about in all directions.  It’s a rare morning that doesn’t have me doing just what this man was.   If I eye one that looks (a) alive and (b) big enough to handle a touch without injury in the process, I stoop – scoop – and toss. I only toss a few, though, because – well – because Earthworms make me Think.

Why have they chosen to crawl across the cement?  Have they found themselves there by accident?  Have they been dropped there from On High by a bird with a loose grip?  Do they KNOW that there’s almost no chance they’ll make it across the 7 foot span of walkway to the other side?  Are they intentionally committing Squirmacide?

And the biggest question of all:  Am I interferring with the natural Circle of Life by picking them up and tossing them back onto the grass? 

This question has become even more important to me in recent weeks.  My entire way of Doing Life has dramatically changed.  It’s almost as if by living a Surrendered lifestyle intentionally, I’ve finally come into my Yin energy in full measure.   I don’t push against The Flow any more.  Rather, I walk with anticipation one step at a time – waiting to see what Flows towards me next.  It’s about Receiving and Being vs. Doing and Bulldozing.  Somehow I’ve gone softer, my days and attitude more pliable, like a piece of clay in the Hands of the Universe.  It’s not that I don’t ‘do’ things or have my own opinion.  I do!  But I don’t define myself by them anymore.  The boundaries of my life are fluid and by living from a heart centered place, surrendered to the process of my life, I’ve been liberated.  I accept those things and people which enter my experience as Directly Sent Ones.  “Manifesting” has taken on all whole new meaning as secret desires suddenly become concrete realities but without all the trying.

Concrete.  On a hot summer day, one will find Earthworm skeletons on the path tossed about like confetti.  And I noticed something. Many of them curl in upon themselves in a Spiral – a shape I have come to honor as a sacred symbol of the Divine Feminine.  Of the word and practice of  “Gratitude”.  Spirals are everywhere in the natural universe – and that simply cannot be a coincidence!

So then, my Burning Question.  Am I interferring with the course of their destinies when I choose to pick them up and ‘rescue’ them?  With an innate inner knowing, have they come to offer up themselves in Gratitude to the Great Goddess who created them, returning back to the Earth to be reclaimed, recycled, and reborn? 

Am I pushing against THEIR flow?