wigIt’s 1 a.m. and I can’t sleep.

It’s the steroids.  Tomorrow is Round 2  (I always think of boxing every time I use that phrase.  It’s SO apropos, I should get a pair of boxing gloves to wear when I go in!).  I have to take steroids the day before, during and after the treatment.  They are actually one of my least favorite of the non-favorite parts of of this but they somehow prime the cells to take the chemo better.


So here I am, in  front of my keyboard, looking for some more release.  This has been another week of highs and lows.  The last couple of days I’ve been feeling pretty good physically – almost back to “normal”.  which has been awesome.  Especially since I shaved my head yesterday.   Not sure what I would see with the Big Reveal, I ended up quite relieved and barely shed a tear.  For months I’ve been worried I’d have some weird flat spot or lumps, or would look like a giant embryo.

Praise the BBC Gods (that’s Bald By Chemo, btw…),  it’s actually quite shapely! Yay! My husband even called me beautiful (OK, he’s just a good guy anyway, but still…).  Note to anyone out there facing this: being shaved is FAR less traumatic than running your fingers through your hair and pulling back something that looks like a Tribble. tribbles

When I was finished, off to the wig shop I went and ended up finding a super cute one.  It’s actually in the same style that I’ve been wanting, in a color I’ve worn before.  And thanks to a fabulous tip from one of my favorite Drag Queens, Pandora Boxx, I knew exactly what to do with it to help it look even more natural.  That’s right, Pandora messaged me on her InstaGram account.  We’re BFFs like that. Pandora Boxx

One of the challenges of the week was the letter that came from my employer telling me they were terminating my health insurance at the end of the month.  Sure, I’d be offer the same plan via COBRA, but if you’ve had to deal with COBRA, you know how expensive it can be.  Fortunately, I can get onto my husbands plan.  It’s not too much extra a month in premiums, but I suddenly have an annual deductible to meet.  Like I needed another Change to navigate….Oh, well.  It will get done and from what I hear, with the meds they’re pumping into me, it shouldn’t take too long to meet that deductible.  One drug alone is $10,000 a pop.  Thankfully, for now, we have the money to pay.

What a world we live in, where, right in the middle of a health crises, your employer can legally term your benefits and tell you they are going to have to fill your position.  Sure, when/if I go back, they will put me at the top of the list for any “future vacancies” (uh, I was the only one who did what I did),  but I’m not holding my breath.  That’s just so much legal speak which really means, Girl, you is OUT and when you come back, there won’t be anything for you.  Maybe they’ll hoping I will quit so they don’t have to lay me off.

The irony is, I don’t ever want to work for this company again.  Seriously.  I just want to stay employed so that I can continue to collect State Disability until done with my treatments.  And then?

THEN I want to do what I talked about, and written about here, for ages.  I want a whole new career path.  Something where I can spend my time, talents and energy making a positive impact on the world – and not just on some cold, morally challenged corporate bottom line.  I want to be of SERVICE.   To bring a little light into someone’s darkness, or provide a product or service that helps someone in their every day lives.

I want to do what I love, with people I love doing it with, for the highest good of all of us.

And, most importantly, I want to have FUN and experience JOY while I’m doing it!!

So, this letter is actually a push in the right direction.  Sure, it would have been nice to have the company I’ve worked for for nearly a decade put a little more value on my life, my livelihood, and my contribution to the company.  But I’m not surprised in the least.   We don’t vibrate the same, if you know what I mean.  I’m truly alien there, just trying to keep my space – and my spirit – clear of all the toxicity and drama.  Being an honest and upright person in the midst of ass kissers, double talkers and promise breakers is stressful.

Breast cancer has not only been a wake up call, but a call to action.

Now, all I have to do is figure out what that new life might look like.  Since I still have several months of treatments to go through, and a bunch more healing to accomplish, I’m not ready to start putting out applications.  But I can live my life and see what happens.

And I can DREAM.

Speaking of dreaming, my husband told me that while I was napping the other evening, something quite extraordinary happened outside my bedroom window.  He said that at least a hundred dragonflies swooped in out of nowhere and were swarming around and around.  This is NOT something that happens here, although I did find a dragonfly vortex on my driveway many weeks back.  Oh, how I wish I had been awake to see this!!

The DRAGONFLY has shown up in my life during some other very transformational periods in my life.  I wrote about my conversation with one here in fact.  Reading her words again brings such comfort and assurance.  They ring as true tonight as they did over a decade ago when this happened.  Knowing that a 100 dragonflies were involved this time, well…that only makes me feel even better.

Yes, it’s time to dream.

12 thoughts on “AlienNation

  1. Grace.. So many things happening all at once.. I so ‘Dislike’ your health care system that bowls you out when you are down. I am so thankful for the NHS here in the UK. it has its faults but I hear so many horror stories about health insurances over there.

    Your hair piece looks lovely by the way.. And as one who has never really dyed her hair before it good you get a colour change too :-)

    The Dragonflies sound awesome.. and have you looked up their meaning on Animal Totems.. Brilliant … And I am sure they came by just to boost you along..

    If a company can treat its employee like that when they are going through such a traumatic phase in their life.. You are best out of there Grace..

    It took my own illness of FMS to get me to change my Career path which I had for the last 11 yrs.. And I found much Joy in helping and serving others within my role as Support Worker .. Working with Adults with learning difficulties.. Such as Down Syndrome .. Autism etc… and then for the last 3 yrs in Mental health…

    Its good to type out your thoughts on a sleepless night..

    Continuing to send you love and Hugs Grace..
    <3 Love Sue


    • Sue, thank you so much. It seems I am surrounded these days by stories from others who – after suffering some major life event – found their “true” and authentic path. Yours is very inspirational :) I don’t know what mine is all about yet – however – I do know that writing is a huge part of it…well, the entire “creative” process I should say. My intention is to follow the bread crumbs of Inspiration that come to me, and not worry about the “hows” and “whats” of it. I still have a ways to go on my healing journey, and I know that remains the priority. However, expressing myself creative IS part of healing, and so I intend to engage in as much of it as I am able. Hugs and love to you! xox

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Blessings to your lovely bald head, the strength and power of your reinforced and galvanized intentions, your sweet hubby, and that gawgus wig! Oh lawd. I hated the Prednisone (steroids) too. In cancer support we called it the “pred dread.” The actions of your employer are a cold, harsh reminder of how the “machine” (corporate entities, ‘the system’) deems us dispensable when we become too costly and inconvenient. In your reincarnated career with heartfelt purpose, I see you as a life coach, helping others through cancer, medical trauma, and other life-altering events. Sending you a rainbow of healing love on iridescent wings. May the dragonflies always be with you….MW


  3. I love this post Grace … and your vision for the future. Let it pull you forward into the next chapter of your life. The dragonflies know :)
    I hope you can get unemployment benefit … let the government and your employer support you! You deserve it after the system has let you down.
    Cute wig!!


    • Thank you, Val. I love that “Let it pull you forward into the next chapter of your life”. That’s some great advice. Right now, I am collecting Short Term Disability payments…as I am still technically employed, unemployment isn’t an option. However, the SDI payments are meeting our needs just fine. Hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  4. First, I have my haircut appointment Tuesday afternoon. I already told my cutter to have the clippers ready :-) I will send you a picture if you desire as “proof”, though I know you know such proof is not necessary.

    Second, I’m sure you are aware, but the dragonfly is a symbol of change, especially change in regards to self realization and emotional/mental clarity. So, no surprise they decided to swarm outside your window.

    In regards to employers — yeah, been there, done that. Granted, I did not deal with medical issues such as yours, but my last employer was horrendous nonetheless. It was a huge catalyst for change in my life and started me on the current journey I have been traveling. Six years later, I have finally clarified what I am truly meant to do — I am applying for graduate schools for my MFA in creative writing. I don’t really need a degree, already have a Masters, but writing is my path, I feel it down to my very soul, and this is the first step for me to enter a writers life.

    Thank you for your wisdom and yet another post that opens up my own understanding, sets me “vibrating” properly if you will. I’m glad I’ve begun reading regularly again even if your current situation is not ideal. However, I have no doubt you will arrive on the other side glowing with new insights and light. I look forward to eagerly reading about, and learning from, your new wisdom.


    • IS, your words mean the world to me. Thank you for your encouragement and faith. I can feel things churning inside of me and I hope to do you proud, girl, when all that regurgitates onto the page. LOL Hugs & noogies to your head ;-)

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, Jeni. I believe they will be “hiring” two people to do what I did. :) That gives me a lot of joy right there. And I heard yesterday that there’s a lot of extra weirdness going on there – which makes me even more happy that I’m not in that place any more. I was just telling someone today that – with the receipt of this letter – I feel like I am no longer bound to the company…Like, it’s not even part of my reality any more. My version of giving them the middle finger will be – on the day I officially tell them I’m gone – to show them how extremely HAPPY and HEALTHY and CONTENT I am to be done with them! LOL


  5. I felt a huge “Hell Yes!” rise in my gut when I read you. No matter what it feels like, you are meeting and besting your challenges, and using them to refine your focus. Your gorgeousness, your passion, your joie de vivre BURSTS through, and I am so very glad that you’re sharing your journey. I ‘have so much love for you, I can’t find the words. I can’t wait to see where you go from here.
    “You is OUT” and free to walk, stumble, and dance your own path.


    • THANK YOU for seeing me, NJRay – for seeing what I’m not always seeing in myself these days. Your encouragement and support mean so much. And HELL YES! I IS OUT! Let’s hope the stumbling is kept to a minimum. LOL xox LOVE YOU


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