It’s the steroids. Tomorrow is Round 2 (I always think of boxing every time I use that phrase. It’s SO apropos, I should get a pair of boxing gloves to wear when I go in!). I have to take steroids the day before, during and after the treatment. They are actually one of my least favorite of the non-favorite parts of of this but they somehow prime the cells to take the chemo better.
So here I am, in front of my keyboard, looking for some more release. This has been another week of highs and lows. The last couple of days I’ve been feeling pretty good physically – almost back to “normal”. which has been awesome. Especially since I shaved my head yesterday. Not sure what I would see with the Big Reveal, I ended up quite relieved and barely shed a tear. For months I’ve been worried I’d have some weird flat spot or lumps, or would look like a giant embryo.
Praise the BBC Gods (that’s Bald By Chemo, btw…), it’s actually quite shapely! Yay! My husband even called me beautiful (OK, he’s just a good guy anyway, but still…). Note to anyone out there facing this: being shaved is FAR less traumatic than running your fingers through your hair and pulling back something that looks like a Tribble.
When I was finished, off to the wig shop I went and ended up finding a super cute one. It’s actually in the same style that I’ve been wanting, in a color I’ve worn before. And thanks to a fabulous tip from one of my favorite Drag Queens, Pandora Boxx, I knew exactly what to do with it to help it look even more natural. That’s right, Pandora messaged me on her InstaGram account. We’re BFFs like that.
One of the challenges of the week was the letter that came from my employer telling me they were terminating my health insurance at the end of the month. Sure, I’d be offer the same plan via COBRA, but if you’ve had to deal with COBRA, you know how expensive it can be. Fortunately, I can get onto my husbands plan. It’s not too much extra a month in premiums, but I suddenly have an annual deductible to meet. Like I needed another Change to navigate….Oh, well. It will get done and from what I hear, with the meds they’re pumping into me, it shouldn’t take too long to meet that deductible. One drug alone is $10,000 a pop. Thankfully, for now, we have the money to pay.
What a world we live in, where, right in the middle of a health crises, your employer can legally term your benefits and tell you they are going to have to fill your position. Sure, when/if I go back, they will put me at the top of the list for any “future vacancies” (uh, I was the only one who did what I did), but I’m not holding my breath. That’s just so much legal speak which really means, Girl, you is OUT and when you come back, there won’t be anything for you. Maybe they’ll hoping I will quit so they don’t have to lay me off.
The irony is, I don’t ever want to work for this company again. Seriously. I just want to stay employed so that I can continue to collect State Disability until done with my treatments. And then?
THEN I want to do what I talked about, and written about here, for ages. I want a whole new career path. Something where I can spend my time, talents and energy making a positive impact on the world – and not just on some cold, morally challenged corporate bottom line. I want to be of SERVICE. To bring a little light into someone’s darkness, or provide a product or service that helps someone in their every day lives.
I want to do what I love, with people I love doing it with, for the highest good of all of us.
And, most importantly, I want to have FUN and experience JOY while I’m doing it!!
So, this letter is actually a push in the right direction. Sure, it would have been nice to have the company I’ve worked for for nearly a decade put a little more value on my life, my livelihood, and my contribution to the company. But I’m not surprised in the least. We don’t vibrate the same, if you know what I mean. I’m truly alien there, just trying to keep my space – and my spirit – clear of all the toxicity and drama. Being an honest and upright person in the midst of ass kissers, double talkers and promise breakers is stressful.
Breast cancer has not only been a wake up call, but a call to action.
Now, all I have to do is figure out what that new life might look like. Since I still have several months of treatments to go through, and a bunch more healing to accomplish, I’m not ready to start putting out applications. But I can live my life and see what happens.
And I can DREAM.
Speaking of dreaming, my husband told me that while I was napping the other evening, something quite extraordinary happened outside my bedroom window. He said that at least a hundred dragonflies swooped in out of nowhere and were swarming around and around. This is NOT something that happens here, although I did find a dragonfly vortex on my driveway many weeks back. Oh, how I wish I had been awake to see this!!
The DRAGONFLY has shown up in my life during some other very transformational periods in my life. I wrote about my conversation with one here in fact. Reading her words again brings such comfort and assurance. They ring as true tonight as they did over a decade ago when this happened. Knowing that a 100 dragonflies were involved this time, well…that only makes me feel even better.
Yes, it’s time to dream.